呐喊

我很生气，很想冲上去给他一记拳头，可是M在旁边，我也不想让这个龌龊的家伙的血脏了我的手。你不要再给我翻白眼，否则我一定杀了你。

yesterday yes a day

Dear M,

I don't know if we would have a future...if we do, please sing this song for me. It has been my love for too long a time...

Yesterday yes a day by Jane Birkin

on my b-day...everyone else is far ahead...

Many friends have updated their blogs...and I just realized that I am the one did nothing these days...a new car, a one-month trip to NY, a plan to travel in summer...everyone seems got something NEW...or to say, have life changed somewhat...and my life keeps the same as always...home, class, noodles, lollipop...can anything surprise me a little bit??

Feeling pitiful for myself...trying to find a job but got nothing...

Perhaps the only comfort is that my two best friends left me message and said happy birthday to me...that meant a lot to me and made my day : ) Thank you meili and laoda...BFF

今天是我生日，其实都这么大了，还期待过什么生日呢？只是觉得出来这三年没有过过一个像样子的生日，心里酸酸的。。还好，家人和最好的朋友都祝我生日快乐，所以我应该让自己快乐：） 可是为什么心里总失落失落的呢？这种心情让我很怀疑自己，我现在快乐吗？我是真正的自己吗？我是不是只是在逃避寂寞，逃避现实？我其实应该真的很胆小吧。。。刻意听温岚的祝我生日快乐。。。觉得每句歌词都是那么真切，让我眼泪哗啦哗啦得掉下来。

去年的生日那天我大概也这么一个人凄凄惨惨得哭过了吧。不知道朋友们是不是都像平常见到的那么坚强和开心。他们会有自己待着听一首悲惨的歌的经历吗？好像自己过得越来越失败，不知道为什么会这么觉得。

每年的生日都这么感伤，大概这才是真正的我吧。
真想回家见见爷爷，这个学期没有给他打过电话了。也很少给家里打，好久没有听见吴煌叫我文姐姐了，潇潇和晖现在应该也很紧张吧，快高考了，爸爸的生意不知道有没有起色。。。唉 家家有本难念的经。

Ian 唉 实在是不想再提到你的名字，虽然你是我的初恋，可是仔细想想你带给我的不安和伤心似乎更多，为什么你那么不诚实呢？我给的一片真心还不够吗？？ 欺骗我你没有觉得罪恶吗？

Mike 我到底有多爱你呢？我不肯定，我却又那么地害怕失去你。。。你对我很好，可是为什么关键时候你都不能在我身边呢？我们的关系能长久吗？

Poor...no car...no where...

Recently I've been like a witch...murmuring blah blahs of nonsense...Right this afternoon I got a call offering me the first interview in my life!! Now I just feel that I may not go for it coz I DON'T HAVE A DAMN CAR! ...My parents wanted me back to China and didn't accept my request for buying a used car...They have no idea how convenient to live with a car...oh. well, they definitely know the convenience since both of them got expensive cars...My dad simply just looks down upon me and refuses to spend any dollars on me...my mom...well, she is always a follower. I can't really start a new life if I don't get any job... sign -_-' My bf is even poorer than I am...Now I see the advantages of finding rich bf or husband...if given the chance...I don't know if I would still be involved in the relationship...Why I always encounter people that need my help...Can anyone hear my desperate sceram and help me???

ps: I ran into some article while I was looking for pics of screaming, and I guess it would help me survive for a little while. "The silent scream" by Philly Farmgirl.

Inspiration

I have little memory of how I found blogspot and so many talented bloggers...I have to say I'm addicted to it, much or less...I'm used to the reading on these blogs about fashion, personality, crafts, and things that are conceivable. Every day I am satisfied with the surprises and connections.
The blogs I keep watching constantly are the Clothes Horse and my love for you. The former one is more about clothes obssession an the latter blog posts tons of pics of artwork that you don't even need to go to the exhibition in person!! As a person who considers herself a talented drawer and craftsman, I liked my love for you more and of course, visited it more frequently. Then changes occurred dueto my impatience. My interest in the abstract artworks faded away little by little and now I'm obsessed by clothes. Well...just watching and appreciating...not really able to afford them. Now I'm stating to sell my clothes on eBay, which for me, is not enjoyale experience. It takes time, energy and consideration about details. Made me crazy. And according to my experience you can never expect a good result.
I have been anxious too much these days and why not slow down a little bit and begin the work?? Just be sensible...

being stressed out

...I'm stressed out. Spring break is coming to the end and I haven't really relaxed for a little while. The first three or four days went away without my awareness, and then m and I went to Marshall and bought a pair of shoes. We stopped by the Chinese restaurant and enjoyed the Chinese food (the hot and sour soup did remind me one of my best friends...she <3 sour food). We went to High and got the pics I need for my portfolio...We also hung out with friends to the Korean KTV...except the smoking and overnoisy which made m suffer the next day, we had fun. We had tofu at around 4 am...Still felt the warmth, from the food or the friends. About 9 people were sitting around the table, some of them I've never spoken to and some I've never seen before...felt comfortable though...probably because m was with me or we were too hungry to pretend to be anyone else...

I've becoming more and more sensitive to the word job. Partly because I'm graduating and I hear it and say it over and over, also, I've been looking for one online and just feeling fed up with it...I can't give in though...I need to improve something, something that I think was lost in me long long time ago and is likely to be sought out because of my loved m. The talk with mom this morning destroyed my day, and to some extent, destroyed my confidence as well.

How can I put these in words? I'm so jealous about friends who grew up in an open and friendly family and I'm so reluctant to admit that I'm not one of them. I wished my parents trust me, support me and let me free. I'm feeling more and more resistance to my dad and perhaps one day I'll just leave the house. I'm trying to do what I really want to and have no idea it would lead me further or closer to things I want.

m, to me, has become the person I want to live the rest of life with. He is still a little childish, lacks self-management. However, he is optimistic and decent, which are the traits I admire most. I have no clue how messy my life will be without him. I'm weak, deeply, in heart. He warms me and gives me belief.

Life has showed me of his cruelty. I wish that's the end.