Graduation

今天星期一，星期六我的毕业典礼举行了，不知道为什么，一想起就鼻子酸酸的，很想哭。是的，应该没有人比我过得更可怜和可悲了。大学四年，无论到了哪里，我孤僻的个性最终还是让我一个人落单。
日子就这样浑浑噩噩得过着，一天一天，对我而说，可能已经没有什么毕业典礼，纪念之类的东西了。我的生活，除了M,吃饭，睡觉，花钱买衣服，应该没有什么值得写下来的了。看着校内上其他同学post的毕业那天的照片，手里捧着鲜花，笑得那么灿烂，周围满满得都是朋友和家人，应该都很开心吧。觉得自己穷酸到家里了，孤单得一个人，走回宿舍，没有钥匙，坐在楼梯间，真应该拍个照留个纪念。张文，你是一个多么孤僻的人，没有social life，除了M，你还有什么？？？？？？

一个人毕业

该做完的都差不多做完了，明天的毕业典礼。
脑袋休息了两天，在这个小小而拥挤的房间里坐着，蹲着，躺着，看书，听歌，发呆，再一次得确认到自己已经把自己封锁起来了。恋爱了好像就没有了朋友，单身的时候我又是多么得渴望爱情。有人能把朋友和情人照顾得很平衡吗？还是说其实不是这么一回事。只是我自己的问题。面子太薄，朋友又太懂事，她们觉得会打扰到我，我又多么不愿主动得邀她们出去玩。。。我一个人又怎么能撼动这么多人呢？说出去玩吧，吃饭吧，逛街吧，唱歌吧，喝酒吧。。自己都笑自己，实在不是个人物。
很希望毕业后能享受到一段假期。一段短短的假期，自己一个人，连小M都不要让他知道，就一个人，带了小箱子，去一个有蓝天白云和大海的地方好好待着。以后很难再有这样的机会了吧，要开始找工作，开始要组建家庭，小孩，福利，退休，呵呵 接着一生就差不多了，如果老了也还有精神，那么就继续去旅行吧。
这个小房间的隔壁住着我不喜欢的人。我实在不想住在这里了。可是这里又是我唯一的避风港。我这个人，就像书法纸上的墨迹，快干了。。。
明天的毕业典礼，对于我来说，就是大学的结束，其实我有想法，要学更多，因为我知道自己学的东西不牢固。希望明天什么都顺顺利利的。大家都开开心心得毕业吧。 希望自己也能真正得快乐生活。

呐喊

我很生气，很想冲上去给他一记拳头，可是M在旁边，我也不想让这个龌龊的家伙的血脏了我的手。你不要再给我翻白眼，否则我一定杀了你。

yesterday yes a day

Dear M,

I don't know if we would have a future...if we do, please sing this song for me. It has been my love for too long a time...

Yesterday yes a day by Jane Birkin

on my b-day...everyone else is far ahead...

Many friends have updated their blogs...and I just realized that I am the one did nothing these days...a new car, a one-month trip to NY, a plan to travel in summer...everyone seems got something NEW...or to say, have life changed somewhat...and my life keeps the same as always...home, class, noodles, lollipop...can anything surprise me a little bit??

Feeling pitiful for myself...trying to find a job but got nothing...

Perhaps the only comfort is that my two best friends left me message and said happy birthday to me...that meant a lot to me and made my day : ) Thank you meili and laoda...BFF

今天是我生日，其实都这么大了，还期待过什么生日呢？只是觉得出来这三年没有过过一个像样子的生日，心里酸酸的。。还好，家人和最好的朋友都祝我生日快乐，所以我应该让自己快乐：） 可是为什么心里总失落失落的呢？这种心情让我很怀疑自己，我现在快乐吗？我是真正的自己吗？我是不是只是在逃避寂寞，逃避现实？我其实应该真的很胆小吧。。。刻意听温岚的祝我生日快乐。。。觉得每句歌词都是那么真切，让我眼泪哗啦哗啦得掉下来。

去年的生日那天我大概也这么一个人凄凄惨惨得哭过了吧。不知道朋友们是不是都像平常见到的那么坚强和开心。他们会有自己待着听一首悲惨的歌的经历吗？好像自己过得越来越失败，不知道为什么会这么觉得。

每年的生日都这么感伤，大概这才是真正的我吧。
真想回家见见爷爷，这个学期没有给他打过电话了。也很少给家里打，好久没有听见吴煌叫我文姐姐了，潇潇和晖现在应该也很紧张吧，快高考了，爸爸的生意不知道有没有起色。。。唉 家家有本难念的经。

Ian 唉 实在是不想再提到你的名字，虽然你是我的初恋，可是仔细想想你带给我的不安和伤心似乎更多，为什么你那么不诚实呢？我给的一片真心还不够吗？？ 欺骗我你没有觉得罪恶吗？

Mike 我到底有多爱你呢？我不肯定，我却又那么地害怕失去你。。。你对我很好，可是为什么关键时候你都不能在我身边呢？我们的关系能长久吗？

Poor...no car...no where...

Recently I've been like a witch...murmuring blah blahs of nonsense...Right this afternoon I got a call offering me the first interview in my life!! Now I just feel that I may not go for it coz I DON'T HAVE A DAMN CAR! ...My parents wanted me back to China and didn't accept my request for buying a used car...They have no idea how convenient to live with a car...oh. well, they definitely know the convenience since both of them got expensive cars...My dad simply just looks down upon me and refuses to spend any dollars on me...my mom...well, she is always a follower. I can't really start a new life if I don't get any job... sign -_-' My bf is even poorer than I am...Now I see the advantages of finding rich bf or husband...if given the chance...I don't know if I would still be involved in the relationship...Why I always encounter people that need my help...Can anyone hear my desperate sceram and help me???

ps: I ran into some article while I was looking for pics of screaming, and I guess it would help me survive for a little while. "The silent scream" by Philly Farmgirl.

Inspiration

I have little memory of how I found blogspot and so many talented bloggers...I have to say I'm addicted to it, much or less...I'm used to the reading on these blogs about fashion, personality, crafts, and things that are conceivable. Every day I am satisfied with the surprises and connections.
The blogs I keep watching constantly are the Clothes Horse and my love for you. The former one is more about clothes obssession an the latter blog posts tons of pics of artwork that you don't even need to go to the exhibition in person!! As a person who considers herself a talented drawer and craftsman, I liked my love for you more and of course, visited it more frequently. Then changes occurred dueto my impatience. My interest in the abstract artworks faded away little by little and now I'm obsessed by clothes. Well...just watching and appreciating...not really able to afford them. Now I'm stating to sell my clothes on eBay, which for me, is not enjoyale experience. It takes time, energy and consideration about details. Made me crazy. And according to my experience you can never expect a good result.
I have been anxious too much these days and why not slow down a little bit and begin the work?? Just be sensible...